Ignorance Equals What?
by oakenshieldmaiden
Summary: Konohamaru and Hanabi discuss babies. Oneshot, drabble, other than slight! KonoHana no real pairings, although JiraiyaxTsunade, and KibaHina, ShinoHina and onesided KibaxHanabi could easily be read into it. SOME MAJOR SPOILERS.


**A/N:** This one-shot used to be part of the 'Of Walruses and Light-fixtures' collection, but since it garnered absolutely no reviews and only two faves, which I am very grateful for, I have decided to re-publish it as a one-shot that stands on its own. The summary says almost everything. Expect extreme silliness, some slight and brief innuendo (heck, we ARE talking about babies here) and possible OOC-ness, although I tried to keep it in character as much as I could. Konohamaru and Hanabi should be about 11 and 10, respectively; maybe a tad older.

---

"Oi, Hanabi?"

Hanabi dropped the kunai and swore violently under her breath. "What?" she hissed, fumbling in the tall grass for her weapon. She _hated_ it when people interrupted her training, especially when that person was Konohamaru.

"Where do babies come from?"

She glared at him, and contemplated throwing the dagger she had just retrieved. If it would shut him up…

"I don't know, dobe. Do I look like an encyclopedia to you?"

Konohamaru perked up. "Hey, that's a good idea! I'll bet Baa-chan has an encyclopedia somewhere." Hanabi rolled her eyes at the nickname for Tsunade-sama: just another thing Konohamaru had copied from Naruto. The kid was _such_ a wannabe.

He started toward the Hokage building, but paused when she aimed for the practice dummy, Byakugan focused intently on the bull's-eye. "Aren't you coming, 'Nabi?" he asked, grinning impishly.

There was no hope of concentrating anymore. Hang that idiot-- now he'd gotten her curiosity piqued on this whole baby business. Hanabi flung the dagger aside and trudged down the path after him.

"So what's gotten you so interested in babies all of a sudden?" she queried, half-dreading the answer.

Konohamaru shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "Well, y'know, Kurenai-sensei's having one--"

"She is?" This was news to Hanabi, and further proof that her father never told her _anything_. She made up her mind to get some lice from Shino and put them in his futon. That'd show him. "But she's not even married!"

The boy beamed, obviously overjoyed to be the first to break the news to her. "That's what I was thinking about," he explained. "I thought only married people could have kids, but apparently I was wrong, so--"

"I get it," Hanabi interrupted, knowing to avoid Konohamaru's monologues at all costs. "So you really think Godaime-sama will let us use her dictionary?"

"Encyclopedia, 'dobe.'" Konohamaru stuck out his tongue in a very Hanabi-like grimace.

"Shut up." She wasn't going to let him get to her today. "I don't think she'll even let you into the building after the syrup incident."

As it turned out, Hanabi was only half-right: Tsunade let them into the building only long enough to refuse the lending of any of her precious books, especially the ones with sections on reproduction, and to give Konohamaru a lecture on what became of perverted little boys. That is, perverted, stupid, irritating, lonely, ugly old toad sages who stand people up and forget anniversaries and drink all the sake and cheat at cards. Wherever Jiraiya was, Hanabi knew he was in deep trouble.

On the way out, the determined genin stopped Shizune and posed the question to her. Without batting an eye, Shizune informed the two of them that embryos were formed when a sperm cell met an egg cell and formed a viable zygote. Then, she hurried back to the Hokage's office with a bottle of Tylenol and a larger bottle that Hanabi recognized as the kind Neji hid in his sock drawer.

"That was a colossal waste," she griped, hoping that Konohamaru would give up on the whole affair and go bug Naruto for a while.

"No, it wasn't!" he argued. "Now at least we know that a spork cell and an egg have to meet somewhere and then an embrygote is formed. Although what the heck that has to do with babies, I'll never know. Maybe Shizune's been hanging with Gai."

Hanabi snapped her fingers. "Gai-san! He'd know for sure. Let's ask him."

Konohamaru hesitated, looking guilty.

"That is, unless you pranked him again recently."

He smiled sheepishly. "Maybe it'd be better to ask Kakashi-san…"

When questioned, Kakashi seemed startled for a moment. "You mean, you didn't know?" he said, staring dumbstruck at Konohamaru. "Then, the whole thing with… with Sai and Sasuke…" He shook his head. "Never mind."

"Well?" Both the young nin looked expectant, and Kakashi looked around to make sure Hanabi's father wasn't nearby before reaching into his vest for the familiar green-covered book. He flipped through it, searching for a select passage. Then, finding it, he cleared his throat and—

"KAKA-SENSEI!" A black-gloved fist slammed into the Jounin's shoulder, knocking him flat. "Don't poison their innocent little minds with that smut!" Sakura shouted at the prostrate figure of her former teacher. "You kids go home," she ordered, before picking Kakashi up and shaking him violently.

"She's really scary," Konohamaru shivered as they hurried away, wondering what his idol saw in the screechy, anger-prone vixen.

Hanabi nodded, pondering a new question that was bothering her. "What's smut?"

---

They took a break from their quest for knowledge and got some monaka from a street side vendor. Konohamaru proved to be dirt-poor, so Hanabi paid, satisfied knowing that he now could not refer to it as a date.

As she bit into the thin wafer, relishing the soft paste in the center, she brooded over possible answers. Maybe Neji had been telling the truth after all when he said people reproduced through budding.

She was about to voice this possibility when Konohamaru nudged her elbow and pointed at three figures stolling up the street.

"Hey, isn't that your sister and her boyfriends?"

"Congratulations. Your eyes are in perfect condition." Aburame Shino rolled his eyes in a patronizing, "little-kids-are-so-stupid" fashion. That is, Hanabi thought he did, but behind his thick sunglasses it was difficult to tell.

Inuzuka Kiba glowered at Konohamaru. "Baka! Can the boyfriend crap, will you?" So saying, he bent over and stole a bite on Hinata's ice cream before she could pull it out of his reach.

Hinata winced as a large drop of her dessert dropped onto her new sweater. Without batting an eye, her friend wiped it off with his finger and stuck said digit into his mouth, slurping loudly.

"Hi, Kiba." Hanabi enjoyed the embarrassed look on her sister's face as Kiba allowed Akamaru to lick his finger.

"Yo," he said, putting a hand out for a high five. She slapped her own against his, feeling important at the notice. He grimaced dramatically, rubbing his stinging palm. "Ow! Man, you're getting tougher all the time."

"So what are you delinquents up to?" Shino inquired lackadaisically. With Konohamaru, sometimes it was better not knowing.

Ashame to admit her mission in front of Kiba, Hanabi tried to silence Konohamaru with a kick to the shins, but he blurted it out anyway.

"We're trying to find out how babies are made," he explained.

Hinata dropped her ice cream cone on Shino's shoe.

"Sorry," she apologized hurriedly, attempting to hide the dark blush that colored her cheeks. Whatever she said next was drowned out by Kiba's raucous laughter, which merited a disapproving frown from the Aburame whiz kid.

"What's so funny?" Konohamaru disliked the feeling that Dog-breath was laughing at _him_.

Kiba continued hooting, until Akamaru howled along with him. "You _are _stupid, aren't you?" he asked as the chuckles shaking his body dissipated. "Don't you know anything? Babies--"

"Kiba-kun!" Hinata clapped a hand firmly over his mouth, still sticky with melted ice cream. Her evident mortification fascinated Hanabi even further—what was so upsetting about babies? "Nii-chan, maybe you should ask Tou-san," she stammered, still wrestling to keep Kiba under control.

"I can tell them," Shino broke in, much to Hinata's dismay. There was no way she could muzzle both of her teammates at once!

"Shino," she pleaded desperately, cheeks flaming, but he ignored her, motioning Konohamaru and Hanabi closer with the conspiratorial air of a wise grandfather imparting a potent secret.

"You see, children, babies come when a man and a woman love each other very, very much. So, one night--" he suddenly coughed, choking on something that looked suspiciously like a gnat when he spat it out.

Hinata stopped struggling with Kiba and gaped in utter alarm.

The listeners leaned forward, excitement pounding in their ears as Shino took a deep breath and resumed. "One night, the mom and the dad hear a rap on the door, and when they open it--" he let them hang for a moment before continuing, "there is a baby on the doorstep!"

"That's it?" Konohamaru looked completely disgusted. "That's just retarded."

Shino shrugged. "No one said it had to be exciting," he grunted, wiping his sunglasses with one sleeve.

"But where does it come from?" Hanabi persisted, dissatisfied with this answer to her question.

"Why, a giant grasshopper delivers it. Everyone knows that," Kiba snorted, having freed himself from Hinata's gagging restraint.

"No, it doesn't," Shino began, but Hanabi and Konohamaru were already out of earshot, heading down the avenue in low spirits.

"Arigato, Shino-kun," Hinata breathed, overwhelmed with relief.

"Yeah, nice save there, bug-boy." Kiba punched his shoulder appreciatively, although the importance of keeping the two genin in the dark about reproduction was not very clear in his mind.

Shino considered them dubiously.

"What are you talking about?"

---

The practice grounds seemed dull after the escapades of the morning, but Konohamaru and Hanabi found themselves sitting underneath a spreading oak a few yards from a line of targets.

"That _was_ a colossal waste," she complained, fanning herself with both hands. The afternoon heat was beginning to affect the delicate constitution of the sheltered Hyuuga trophy-child.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Konohamaru huffed, tossing his heavy scarf aside. "We found out, didn't we?"

"Oh, like you actually bought that junk about giant grasshoppers and babies appearing on doorsteps at night? Come on!" She flopped back into the cool, springy meadow, panting.

Konohamaru watched Hanabi with a wily smile before rolling over onto his stomach beside her. "It was fun, wasn't it?" he teased, tickling her nose with a stalk of grass.

She sneezed and shoved his hand away. "Fun? You dragged me around town trying to find out where babies come from, and the only answer we got is some crack-head explanation involving benevolent, oversized insects. It was not 'fun.'"

"Yeah." There was no disappointment in his voice—he was accustomed to her prickly, curmudgeonly manners.

She lay still for several heartbeats, relishing the sudden breeze that caressed her sweaty face.

Konohamaru got to his feet, brushing the seed pods off his sweater. Suddenly, he let out a low grunt of comprehension as one of them floated away. "Seeds, huh?" he muttered to himself, smirking.

Hanabi stared at him. _Weirdo._

"So, I'll see you tomorrow, 'Nabi?"

"Don't count on it," she yelled after him. "And don't start coming around Hyuuga Manor, or call me 'Nabi, either; Tou-san might think you're my…" The Third's grandson wheeled, face brightening. "Well, he might start getting the wrong impression."

Practically bursting with self-importance, Konohamaru swaggered off into the distance, long scarf dragging in the dirt.

_I hope he chokes on it._

"See you then."

**A/N:** And the inspiration?

Number 8 on my hundred challenge list: Innocence— the first thing that popped into my head was "Konohamaru Hanabi discuss babies"


End file.
